Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fearful and worrywarted

After yesterday's episode, I was terrified to get back into the shower, but alas, it is a necessity. I made husband check the spider hole last night and again this morning to make sure it was safe for me. He seems to think spraying Raid into the hole finished the job, but I think he underestimates the wily spider. My shower was, thankfully, not revisited by the monster today, and since mentioning it is renewing my fears, I'm going to stop discussing it now.

However, on the subject of fear, I discovered another fear this week that I had been in denial about until now: the fear of success. Ahem. This may sound even more irrational than my fear of small beasties, but I think I'm afraid of succeeding. Obviously I want to succeed. I want to be published and have people read my stories and enjoy them. But what if they don't? What if I'm published and people don't like my stories, or the critics pan them, which is very likely at least once, considering the critic's job is to critique. I can take criticism. I realize it's a necessity as a writer, but like most people I don't relish it. Sometimes this fear holds me back a little. I'm tap tap tapping along and The Fear suddenly seizes my chest saying, "This is crap, no one will read this." Terrified, my fingers freeze and the writing flow stops. What if The Fear is right? I believe I can do this, and I'm trying to overcome my fear, but the idea of becoming successful and then failing is almost more terrifying than not succeeding in the first place. These are silly things to worry about because I'll never be successful if I don't finish the novel in the first place, but being worrywarted, I seem to reside with these thoughts daily.


hellojed said...

I worry about those things too, all the time. But I reckon if you don't worry at least a little, you don't care enough.

JJ said...

Angie, oh bugger, I can join you on that fear too! Mostly I recognise that it's not likely given I haven't finished my first draft yet, so then I try to stop worrying.

I'm going to adopt Hellojed's theory that it means we care enough!


Rebecca said...

certainly when you are asuccessful writer some people will hate your work - but others will love it! And hopefully the love will keep you going...

Angie said...

Hellojed, glad to hear I'm not the only one. Good theory too - I must care bucketloads!

JJ, I haven't finished my first draft either, so it's a completely silly fear to have. I try not to indulge it and instead recognize that it is a form of that beastly writing demon.

Rebecca, good point. On my good days, my personal enjoyment of writing is enough, it's those other irrational worrying days when I lose sight of these things. All these encouraging writing friends are helpful for those days.