All's Quiet on the Blogging Front

...as I wage a one-woman battle with myself.

Last November, I finally found a schedule that worked for me, and it allowed me to get into my writing groove. Since I finished the first draft, I've struggled to find a new schedule that accommodates my new tasks of draft typing and editing.

It shouldn't be this hard, I think to myself, I'm only typing and tinkering with words. Yet I realize the main stumbling block is my fear of facing my writing. (What if it's horrible?) I started work on chapter three enthusiastically enough, but soon I found any reason to distract myself.

I need to read my email first.
I have to keep up on the news as an informed citizen: just one more article and then I'll start.
I wonder what my blogging friends are up to?

No matter how much I recognize my finely-honed diversion tactics, I can't seem to stop using them. (Hmm, I wonder whether writing this post counts as one?) When I continually fail to stop procrastinating, I become depressed with myself. Yesterday I told myself that if I were my boss, I'd fire me (then I thought, how mean!).

Once I become frustrated with myself, I inevitably begin to look for jobs again. If I cannot do this, then I need to get back out there to be a productive member of society. I've been discussing the problem all week with Husband, but last night I finally had a breakthrough after nearly applying for a position.

I devised a schedule solution similar to my old own, but which fits better with my new tasks. Today I wrote it down on a goal sheet on my desktop to remind myself. My novel writing class starts soon--it was supposed to start today, but was postponed two weeks--and I know I won't get much, if any, writing done if I start a new job. I decided to start the new daily schedule with the allowance that I will not look for jobs until my novel writing class ends in September, and if at that point I have accomplished nothing, then it's time to throw in the towel. (Very clever, if I do say so myself. Of course I'll accomplish something in 3 months with a schedule and an intense class. Apparently I have to keep using fear tactics in order to get things done. Hmph. I won't even mention the effect of my ten-year reunion next summer...)

So. As of now, I am beginning anew. No beating myself up for my struggles over the past few weeks. I will be type, type, typing in the morning and editing in the afternoon, with a little time set aside to finalize my research.

Time to jump back into the deep end.

Resolve

I'm nearing completion of the first draft. (Although my counter says 100%, I'm not quite there. I gave up guessing my final word count. Apparently I'll be closer to 100k after all.) By this time next week, I should be done with it, sooner if I can only remain focused. I always thought it would be impossible to distract me from my writing once the end was in sight, but instead I've become panicky, wavering between strong resolve and The Fear. Husband, quite rightly, thinks it's because I'm scared of what's next. Obviously I have a lot of editing and rewriting to do to make this piece polished, but I'm closer to the goal than I've ever been, and that is exhilarating and terrifying in doses.

This weekend I had some major panicking episodes. I've always known what I was giving up by writing full-time and sacrificing a salary, benefits and retirement, yet as time marches on the sacrifice feels bigger. Our friends are buying houses--real homes. We cannot afford that, and unless I work, we won't be able to for some time. But then, although I'd have the space to write, I would lose the time.

After my panicky weekend, I tried to strengthen my resolve and get down to business to finish what I started. However, I noticed a job posting. It's the job that would be my dream job if I couldn't write for a living.

Do I apply?

I will definitely finish this draft before the job starts, but I wouldn't finish the edits, so I would have to work on them during evenings and weekends. A very possible task, but a downshift from full-time writing.

Do I charge ahead until my novel makes its way out into the world of agents and possibilities--possibilities fraught with either failure or success--and let this possibility slip through my fingers, worrying about a career and a house later?

I know the answer lies somewhere within my own heart, but once again I've over-thought the situation and can't tell the light from the shadows. In truth, either path could be the right choice. Both could lead me the direction I want to go, but in this moment of confusion, I feel like I've lost my way and I'm standing at a crossroads. Which way do I go, left or right?

e-tiquette

Ever receive a horrendous email that someone clearly didn't think about before hitting send? Save any of those ALL CAPS shouty, jackarse emails? If so, you might like this website Think Before You Send. If not, you'll still enjoy reading the emails other people share. I have a few up my sleeve that I might consider submitting, such as an all-office directive about making coffee properly "you idiots". No wonder I like working at home alone.

Off to do more editing/rewriting. Cheers!

Exactly one year ago

...I was finishing my last day of work at my first "real" job. I have now been unemployed for a year! (*cue much panicking*) I didn't quit my job with the intention of writing full-time, though it sounds much cooler to me now. At the time I was hoping to pursue an MFA in creative writing. Alas, it was not to be. My "financial aid package" consisted entirely of loans, and I decided it was best not to get 30k+ in debt for a writing degree. Wise decision, I think. I took last summer off to enjoy being unemployed and to evaluate my next career step. In the meantime, I started research for the book I'm now writing, and I worked part-time doing freelance editing for a tech company. At the end of summer, I probably could have pursued freelance editing more fully since I had a few more opportunities, but I quickly discovered that editing technical documents was not how I wanted to spend my time. I was really enjoying the research for my book, so the husband encouraged me to write full-time until I either a) finished the book or b) decided I didn't want to write full-time anymore. Here I am one year later, writing full-time and loving it (most of the time). I've given up trying to plan every step of my life because each time I think I have things figured out I get sent a curveball. So any bets on where I'll be one year from now?

To Work or Not to Work

Minor panic attack about jobs, or lack thereof today. Don't know what brought this on since I've been managing the anxiety about joblessness rather well the last month or so. Okay, I do know what brought it on: A spot on the Today show this morning about the folly of women staying home with kids. Read it here. I do get anxiety attacks about not working every month or two, and this just didn't help the situation. I'm not even staying home for the benefit of any kids, I'm just trying to pursue writing without pay and with only the hope of getting published when/if I finish this book. I have a history with this issue anyway; when my mom was left on her own to take care of four kids after staying home for 13 years with us, I swore I'd never be put in that position. I don't forsee the husband doing that to me, but obviously any number of things could change our financial situation and being prepared is the best defense. I'm trying very hard to ignore the nagging panicky feeling in the back of my mind that keeps telling me to get a job and just try to write part-time. I want to finish this book before I give up, and I know how difficult it is to write on your free time when you have a full-time job, but that voice is so unrelenting. I suppose the excitement of my birthday being passed and the reality of another year gone by doesn't help either.